At this moment all I can think is...
Have I lost my damn mind?
What in the heck have I gotten myself into?
Am I really going to be able to pull this off?
And then I ask myself...
Why the heck am I even doing this?
Seriously, where did this shift happen and am I really ok with where this is going?
What does it say about all the things I had previous worked toward?
Where is the goddamn intersection between the dancer...no the mover that lives inside me and the creative technologist that is currently dominating my life?
I feel unbalanced.
But, how much of that is because I have not physically danced/moved myself in almost two months?
How much of that is because I need a break?
I know that a lot of what I am feeling right now is because I have not given myself a proper break. This entire summer has been filled with one thing or another. All things that I wanted and thoroughly have enjoyed, I am by no means complaining. I have had some really awesome and fulfilling things happen this summer. But, I have not really relaxed, pulled away, and just let myself veg in my PJ's and binge watch television, allow myself to take just one day to relax. Every time I set out to do that I end up super anxious and end up guilting myself about being so lazy that I cannot even enjoy my time off. For the love of all that is holy, I am writing this damn blog right now on my first night off because I was feeling so anxious about the fact that I haven't done anything productive today. Like I said, I feel very unbalanced right now.
So now here I am filled with self doubt and anxiety and self judgement and it is absolutely terribly feeling. I don't like to feel like this, it isn't fun for me. And so you know what will happen...
I will acknowledge how I feel right now in this moment.
I will accept that I am going to give myself permission to just chill out tonight and then tomorrow, I will wake up and start fresh.
I will allow myself this one night to revive and renew; by relaxing it will help me to be way more productive tomorrow and the days that follow it.
I will remember that I am so extremely excited about the work I have ahead of me.
I will just look towards the infinitely exciting possibilities I am about to explore; after all, those possibilities are "the fun part."
I will remind myself that I have continuously proved that I am capable of doing any flipping thing I set my mind to.
I will acknowledge the things I have done, the accomplishments I have made thus far. Things I have done that were made possible by MY hard work and perseverance.
I will believe in myself! Because when it comes down to it, believing in myself is a lot more fun and satisfying then the s**! I am feeling right now.
And to all that I say, AMEN!
Now I know that I owe you a blog about several of the exciting things I have done in the last few days, but that s**! just isn't going to happen tonight. It will happen soon, because if I say it, then it is so!